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Whatcha waiting for when you're here with me?

Posted on Mon.October.02 at 7:55 pm
Current Mood: lovedin love with rachel.
Current Music: Paris Hilton - Nothing In This World
so my new obsession is paris hiltons most recent song. and the second i get a video ipod that'll be the very first video on it.

today was okay. i hate my mother. shes been acting really differently lately, completely all over me and its really weird. i dont like it. shes like, watching my every move. she needs a life. i think im going to confront her about it. yes. i am.

i went to rachels today. we put shit on ebay. its going to be EXTREMELY successful and i love it. and i love her. and shes the only reason today was okay. otherwise, it would have sucked. GOD. my mother is such a bitch.

really stupid? yea.

im going to confront her right now.

ill update later to say how it goooooooes.

luck please.

.yabe evol i

Posted on Wed.September.27 at 7:11 pm
Current Mood: jubilantRachel makes me "jubilant."
Current Music: Absolutely - Nine Days
WOOOOOOO. RACHEL I LOVE YOU.

shes amazing. and were best friends. forever.

so schools okay i guess. fucktards are assholes. assholes are fucktards. who kill little niceturdholes. and its sad.

NOW IM ANGRY.

THIS ENTRY IS OVER.

BYE.

How pretty.

Posted on Sun.September.24 at 11:51 am
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: Dont Lie - Black Eyed Peas
god, it's really really really beautiful out. The wind is so feirce that its pushing all the grass to one side. and it looks like a big field in a movie when the wind blows. and its pretty. and its semi-raining. it makes me happy.

im not usually a procrastinator but this homework brings out something totally new in me. who the fuck cares when the sun rises on jupiter and at what angle? now, i truly mean it when i say that i WILL never use this fact and this should not be on a fucking take home quiz. its so stupid and i cant believe it like, counts as a test. and whats the fucking point if he knows everyones just going to look up the information online? god. stupid fucking homework.

&*sigh*&

its pretty.

Dont get me wrong.

Posted on Fri.September.22 at 7:16 pm
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
Current Music: She Is - The Fray
okay. football game sucked more than anything of my entire life. these fucked up asshole dudes totally ganged up on me and were fucking ruining the entire life of mine. god. it pisses me off. assholes.

GAWD.

so i asked val out. but shes all hung up over john quinn like lauren is. and i really think we could have connected. *grr* what the fuck is so good about him? fucktard. nothing. exactly. ugh.

today was okay i guess. *sigh*

okay.

i hate the world. and im freezing. so im going to go over there and read.

bye.

And the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Posted on Thu.September.21 at 5:01 pm
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Get Over It - OK GO
So high school really is truly amazing. i really love it. and everythings going pretty well with school and shit. i think the homeworks okay and everythings going pretty good.

so i finished my amazing fucking book today. 3 minutes ago to be exact. and im getting the sequel soon because its so fucking amazing. Twilight. by Stephenie Meyer. get it. read it. love it. i swear to god. its the best book ive ever read in my entire life. and i cant imagine the sequel could be any better. but im sure it will be.

i wish i had things to say. that arent complete dork-like things to say. theres a football game tonite. if im correct, rachel and i are going. if not, we'll have sex anyway.

So during art class, this kid sits next to me. and one day, he was all high and showed me his pot that was in this altoids container. it was weird. and then the NEXT day, he took out this fucking silver thing, grinded up the pot, and smoked it right there. in front of everyone. the teacher was up at the front talking to the class and didnt fucking see him. its not like he was in the back either, everyone could smell it except the teacher and he kept fucking talking back to the teacher and shit. it was bad. hes such a bastard. this girl said she didnt like the smell it made, and he called her a "black bitch." i was likeeeee. shut up. and i told him off and he was angry. who fucking says that? she wasnt even black. how fucked up is that.

i love the fact that starbucks is right near the high school. we could easily go during lunch, and a lot of people do. its really cool.

im tired. so im going to go do something :-)

peace bitches.


First HHHHighschool dance.

Posted on Sat.September.16 at 12:36 pm
Current Mood: melancholymiserable.
Current Music: Look What You've Done - Jet
so yesterday was the first highschool dance of the year. there was so much grinding it was fucking insane. people are way too old here. and jeremy and his fucking girlfriend were grinding. and annie and her fucking "beau" were making out the entire time. no surprise. maggie had a kid named brian all over her. mandy learned how to grind. rachel and kaela got it on. jackie was such a bitch to everyone and i hate her. and by the end of the night she apologized for being pissed at me and didnt have a fucking reason in the FIRST place. god. and shes the biggest slut ive ever met in my entire life. and i hate knowing her. grr. and if she talks to me again, i swear to god. after she apologized, she asked for a hug, and i said no. and she asked to shake my hand, and i said no. im not going to apologize to you because you fucked up. bitch. i hate her. and crystal likes nate. so i feel like shit. my legs hurt so bad. and im emotionally burned. and i dont want to be anywhere near jeremy. and the only person i want to be with is rachel. i need rachel. rawr :-( :-( :-( <#

ugh. i want to die and get it over with.

so i dont really miss woodlin. im pretty happy about that. and i love high school, so all is pretty much well.

Rachel, i love you. Thank you.

Be going down like.

Posted on Wed.September.13 at 8:26 pm
Current Mood: enragedenraged at myself.
Current Music: London Bridge - Fergie
ButtercupBaby333: are you bi...jw..someone told me u wer
Hearts Thumping: who said i was bi??
ButtercupBaby333: i dont remember
ButtercupBaby333: i was jw
ButtercupBaby333: i dc
Hearts Thumping: no, you do too remember.
Hearts Thumping: who was it?
ButtercupBaby333: i dont know
ButtercupBaby333: seriosuly
ButtercupBaby333: sry
ButtercupBaby333: neways
ButtercupBaby333: im jw
ButtercupBaby333: whats the answer
ButtercupBaby333: to that
ButtercupBaby333: ?
Hearts Thumping: im not going to answer you until you tell me who told you :-)
ButtercupBaby333: haha
ButtercupBaby333: i dk her name
ButtercupBaby333: some girl on my tennis team
ButtercupBaby333: lol
Hearts Thumping: Emily Martel?
ButtercupBaby333: no
ButtercupBaby333: i dk
ButtercupBaby333: i think shes in our study hall
Hearts Thumping: emily martel is in our study hall.
Hearts Thumping: and on the tennis team.
ButtercupBaby333: haha maybe then
ButtercupBaby333: lol
ButtercupBaby333: see
ButtercupBaby333: i really dk
ButtercupBaby333: wanna answer mee noww
ButtercupBaby333: ?
Hearts Thumping: no. i dont :-)
ButtercupBaby333: haha ok then im just gonna assume its a yes
Hearts Thumping: you do that.
ButtercupBaby333: haha ok
ButtercupBaby333: that wat the rainbows r for
Hearts Thumping: what about rainbows?
ButtercupBaby333: is that y u liik rainbows
Hearts Thumping: rainbows = gay. and anyone can like rainbows if they want to. that is the stupidest label on the entire earth.
ButtercupBaby333: haha i agree
ButtercupBaby333: i wore rainbow shoelaces n ppl called me a lesbo
ButtercupBaby333: but it was ok
Hearts Thumping: then why did you assume, that because i like rainbows, im bi?
ButtercupBaby333: i didnt car
ButtercupBaby333: e
ButtercupBaby333: i dk...it was dumb...sry
Hearts Thumping: tis allright.
Hearts Thumping: :-)
Hearts Thumping: be happy.


so the last line she said killed me. and i feel like a monster. you know? i was trying to back her into a corner because i was offended. so i tried to get her to eat her own words. look at that!! im a fucking monster. i tried to MAKE her feel like shit! :-( i totally made her feel like crap, and it wasnt necessary. LOOK AT THAT. all i can see in my head is the bully in the playground punching someone because they didnt have enough money. and then the little kid says something back and the bully gets all dominant. and the little kid shivers, has the shakes and says "im sorry...it was dumb...i didnt mean it, i swear." GOD. how awful is that? and i just fucking did that. :-(. god. i need to go die.

so im going to.

good bye.

Heartbroken?

Posted on Sat.September.09 at 9:19 pm
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
Current Music: No day but today.
So, i'll start on a high note.

I love high school. so fuckin much. i love seeing everyone. and i love seeing brenna and jeremy and i love meeting new people and i love seeing the people i already loved. i just love it. and now that i know where im going, its not trouble and i love it. :-). its a fuck load better than middle school and im happy with it.

Soooooooo lets say i like this person. and im going to name them Lukoaw. pronounced "Luck-ow."*copies rachel and apologizes* but i liked her method. so this person, i like a lot. and ive liked before. but they like this OTHER person. lets say their name is Fuckerface, pronounced "FUCKYOUFACE!" *ahem* and fuckerface is like, all over me. and Lukoaw jokes about liking me and crap and its sad. and im sad. and it just ruins my life. *ugh*

So i went to the stupid therapist today. and my mom came in and suddenly decided that she was worried that i was too close to her and not enough to my dad? and thats true. i have no relationship with my dad. but then my mom was all "On the first day of highschool, he had to have me drive him." and she just kept saying that i talked too much to her and felt like it was a one parented household. She also said that i should leave the nest. And i just sat there and started crying. Because it just KILLED. because im so close and i do rely on her, and for her to say something like that to my fucking face and i was so surprised and shocked that that was how she felt. it just killed. and so them the fucked up therapist decided to talk to my mom alone so i went and cried in the bathroom. yea, it sucked. and then she came out of the room laughing and kept telling me that she didnt feel bad one bit and that i was being unfair and that me giving her the cold shoulder wouldnt do anything. well, obviously it was because she wouldnt have brought it up otherwise. and i forgave her. but only because she took away the computer. im still hurt and still bitter. she wants me more independent? she'll get fuckin more independent.




Oh, she'll get it allright.

Oh god.

Posted on Wed.September.06 at 6:09 am
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: My heavy breathing.
Oh lord. Oh lord. Oh lord.

Today is the first day of HIGHSCHOOL.

Fuck.

Make it last forever.

Posted on Mon.September.04 at 9:32 pm
Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer
so today was the last day of woodlin :-(

twas extremely sad. chelsea called. and we left kristin and stef messages. :-D. it wasnt extremely good. or exciting. or happy. or any of the three.

ugh. the end of woodlin begins the horrible idea of school. of highschool. my lord. im so afraid. OMG. im so scared.

Tomorrow is Scarlett day. There are no ifs, ands or butts about it. Tomorrow is RESERVED. For my wife and little child. and cat. whom i love so so so so so so so much. yay.

my lord. i hate short entries. AGH.

i love Gone with the Wind. IT WAS SO AMAZING. like, over the top amaizng. like, it took my breath away. amazing. never a book should come close to that. except a few. ONLY A FEW. way to be.


carp. how interesting.


Friendship can turn into love, but love can never turn into friendship.

Posted on Thu.August.31 at 5:04 pm
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: In The End - Linkin Park
Can you believe tomorrow is the first day of september?

My lord. More than the fact that school is coming, i feel like i wasted the summer away. you know? i feel like time is slipping away. hmm.

Tonight im going to Rachels to watch the VMA's. im very very very excited. and we're going to have a blast.

Yesterday was high school orientation. it went pretty well. i saw Holly and Julia :-D. They had just came out of swim practice and i was pretty nervous, so seeing holly running and screaming, (also slipping) and our crash of a hug made me feel better. I met a lot of people though, so i felt better. I want to go to high school. but i dont want summer to end. its a sad, sad feeling.

Sam and i broke up yesterday. I really want to go into highschool with a fresh start. you know? i really dont want anything holding me back in any way. and i think thats why i sorta became less friends with allie. just because our friendship was so serious/important to her, i got freaked out and sort of withdrew. maybe? with rachel, its a lot more carefree. and im very happy about that. so yea, sam was okay with it i guess. i didnt tell her all i probably should have. The feelings have sorta died away. when i called her, she actually brought the subject up with "You dont really think we'll last the winter do you?" and i said no. and she agreed. so i think that is was a sign that it needed to happen. she didnt seem upset so i wasnt upset either. ah well. Its gonna suck being around her now, its a whole different ball game not being together. Like the quote, "Friendship can turn into love, but love can never turn into friendship." i firmly believe in that, but it does have a few exceptions.

Allright, my butt hurts and im hungry. so i shall leave you. byebye.

Where do you go when you're gone?

Posted on Sun.August.27 at 2:46 pm
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Are You Happy Now? - Michelle Branch
So yesterday was so much fun. A lot more fun than i thought it would be. Kaela and I got a lot closer. So did Rachel and i. So did Jen and i. So did Drew and i. So did Mandy and I. we went tubing, and on a boat, called the Mince Haha. very incredible.
After the trip, i went to sleep in my bed. i had a dream that me and drew were together. We had sex. and i really did love him. and i knew he loved me. and it was so fuckin weird. i've never felt that before. and i woke up with the feeling and it was just so horrible how real it felt. It was like, teasing me, you know? My dreams know that i want love and i cant have it. it just sucks. and i feel alone. *sigh* i hate the world and i want to die. and then i had a dream i lost my speakers, i left them at school and was searching up and down stairs, looking for drew, whom i thought had them. And then i ran into Mr. Adamo, who was coaching this group of geeks and used me as a model example. Ugh, it was actually cool to be together with drew. because i felt loved, you know? it was such a weird dream. it was so sexual, too. Literally ;-) and now i miss drew. how sad.
And then i had a dream where Ray wanted to kayack or something. and we got orange boats, it was so weird. and then he kayacked away. and it was raining. and it was at woodlin, and the rain actually like, made a stream.
God, raise your hand if you hate horomones. *"I!"* ugh. they suck.
Today, my mother took my cell phone because i dirtied my room on purpose to piss her off. She then said "When you clean your room, you can have it back." So i did. and then she said "well, actually, i want you to vacuum all the rugs and then you can have it." So i did. and then she said "well, i want you to do all the laundry, too." So i did. And then she said "well, i want you to fix the computer." And then she finally gave it to me after i started crying. it was so horrible. i just felt so helpless, because i heard the ringing and i knew people were calling and UGH. she knew what it was doing to me, and she just constantly does this to me. i refuse to talk to her. i hate this. ugh. fuck emotions.

Do you hear me? Fuck emotions. Fuck me. I hate emotions and i hate myself.

I know you well enough to know you never loved me.

Posted on Wed.August.23 at 8:52 pm
Current Mood: depressedwithout others.
Current Music: Feeling This - Blink 182
guilty on all accountsCollapse )

So today was Kristin's last day, very very very sad indeed. I dont know how to look at it. Because i suppose, in college, woodlin must seem like an immature thing to be involved in, and to leave a 14-year-old behind to go and be with people your own age doesnt seem very difficult. Thats why i had issues with telling chelsea goodbye. All of them, if my theory is correct, should also look at me as an immature person to say goodbye to, involving the fact that im attached to the pool in their mind. Who knows. I miss Kristin already. Even though we didnt spend as much time together as we did last year, i feel closer to her in a way. I miss her. I want to cry.

Stef leaves next saturday. Though she hasnt been here nearly as much as she was. i dont think i can remember a day she was there on her own will, not working that day. *sigh*. i missed her. ah well. She has others occupying her time.

So i cant paint rachels room. it kills me, because i was so amazingly excited for it and then my mother just dropped a bomb on me. i was so shocked because she had NO reason to, and the reason she gave me was so pathetic, and she totally has something else wrong with the idea and she wont tell me. It pisses me off to think shes keeping something from me. We were both so pumped for it. and now i cant do it. ugh. bitch.

I want a good book to read. i have 0 options.

Im completely nervous about high school. Its so uneccesary for me to go to high school. I could totally be doing other things than getting lost in the huge palace. God, it kills me. And ill be alone. And all i'll have is a map. And ill still get lost jesus. How embarrassing.

I shall leave you now. Because im all depressed. Oh well.

Are you happy now?

Posted on Mon.August.21 at 9:18 pm
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Tell Me Baby - Red Hot Chili Peppers
So im feeling really good right now. so i thought id update.

First, i was gonna complain about how i felt like i was the only one using livejournal but then i saw that chelsea had updated so i cant complain about that anymore.

On Friday i might paint RACHELS room with her and then watch the cheeta girls two with her. it would be amazing dude.

AND then on saturday, myself, Rachel and Mandy are traveling to Mandys grandmas house in Lake George where we shall spend the entire day and have amazing fun. im very excited :-)

okay. gonna go now. very excited i am!

Now's your moment. Floating in the blue lagoon.

Posted on Sat.August.19 at 9:41 pm
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
Current Music: Kiss the Girl - The Little Mermaid
So yea. Today was karas party. Fuck her. She sucks ass. Shes just a selfish bitch. She totally made me feel like an ass on purpose. it pissed me off. bitch. go fuckin die in hell.

Sam came back. Way to be.

So i saw Jaimie with rachel. we had an extremely fun time. i was very happy with who jaimie was. we went to friendlys and walked home. and then watched white noise. it was very fun.

So im reading this book called "The Lovely Bones" that rachel lent me. its very sad. its about this girl who got raped and killed by this old guy. and now shes a ghost coming back to look over her family and see how it turns out for them. so the mother leaves them, the daughter gets proposed too, and the father has a heart attack. thats what has OCCURED. its an amazing book and i reccomend it to people. yay.

TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE.

Chelsea left today. she was with holly and all the older people. and john was all "ive known her so much longer than you, therefore i mean more to her." it pissed me off. and hes an ass. ugh. so i felt stupid and left them. Chelsea wont call and thats fine. nor will she talk to me until swimming starts again. thats okay. i dont expect anything else. oh well.

time to end it. bye.


Living in my own world....

Posted on Wed.August.16 at 9:36 pm
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: True - Ryan Cabrera
So last time i updated was the sleepover?

wow.

so woodlin's sucked for the past few days. Mainly because Sam & Frank have been gone. Also that allisons gone. its extremely sad. So i havent been going a lot.

Frank and Sam are coming back friday morning though. therefore, karas party might be fun. might.

Rachels back from maine with jaimie :-). One of her friends from washington. im extremely excited to meet her. of which i hope will happen tomorrow. i miss rachel a LOT. like, too much. sooooo. i need to see her. very badly. shes in a lot of my dreams. one of which ill tell you about right now :-)

So we were in this classroom. and there was a wall of just large windows. And outside the windows, there was a bunch of key-like objects trying to get in. and inside was a small class of young children. and there was this evil guy. i guess the plot was that, people needed to get outside to the key things? And the evil guy wouldnt let us? And so, we finally opened this window-door and got out, where EVERYONE in the entire school was sitting down on this large field of grass. And i somehow ended up with this big, big silver book with blank pages. and my mom, from inside, yelled "Get everyone out here to sign that book and give it back to me in advocacy!! You know where i'll be!" And then i got this mental image of her being a lunch aid, walking around the cafeteria. So then i got about one signature and gave up. Then, i guess, i had to go to 8th period, which apparently was Music. And i went with Guy Waltman. And there was a subsitute. And then i woke up.

weird, huh?

yea, weird.

well, im gonna go. Talk to you all laterrrrrrrr.

Theres nothing but dark blue.

Posted on Wed.August.09 at 9:34 pm
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Dare You To Move - Switchfoot
So yesterday was the sleepover. twas very fun. Manhunt sucked. buttttt whatever. Kristin and Stef slept. John actually quit manhunt. Liyah stopped. Chelsea stopped. my lord. so yea, that part sucked. it just felt like there were a lot more younger kids than older. whatever. me and sam got closer. im done talking about it. lets move on to something that requires thinking because i want that.

What do we all think about god and heaven and crap? Obviously no one can prove that god ever existed. and then the whole theory that space goes on forever. thats a scary thought. something going on forever. i dont think its possible. ugh. and what will happen when the sun explodes? And long will it take for the whole human race to die out after that? If the sun can blow up, why cant the moon? I like thinking about things. Religion scares me. I feel forced and misunderstood in religion. therefore. i dont believe in anything. because im afraid to.

So im going to spill my soul out right now about my relationships, and if you could, id like to know what you all think. So whenever im not around sam, i get this weird feeling in my stomach that makes me want to break up with her. I've gotten it with every girlfriend i've had since the beginning of 7th grade. and ive overcome it in different ways, but its still there. and i dont know why or how i can fix it. i think im going to bring it up to the psychiatrist i go to when i see them. yea, i do. thats that. meh. i dont know. when i was new to the feeling i actually flipped out until i broke up with the person. At which the feeling would stop. i dont know. commitment maybe? But when i was younger, it stayed when i was with the person. so maybe the fact that it only happens when im not with them is a sign that im overcoming it? Maybe? And i KNOW i like sam but then i start doubting it because of this damn fuckin feeling. and i know i do, but when it first started, i DIDNT believe that and started dumping every single person i was with. But at first, the relationship only lasted about a week and me and sam have been together a month and 5 days. so i dont know. i think ill discuss it with the person and see what they say. ill do anything to make it go away. maybe its a self-esteem issue? and believing i dont deserve them? which i truly dont. who knows.

im sorry for all you who read this because you didnt have to and that was extremely nice of you. and if you didnt, thank you for not wasting your time on me. nice decision.

Allright, ive been up 38 hours and im a little tired. therefore, goodnight all. *heart*

Woodlin Banquet = AMAZING.

Posted on Sun.August.06 at 11:11 pm
Current Mood: ecstaticAmazing.
Current Music: If I Aint Got You - Alicia Keys
Allright, so the woodlin banquet fuckin ROCKED THE HOUSE!

it was amazing.

Sams amazing.

i love her so very very very much.

yea, everyone saw, fuck them, you all know. way.to.be.

i kinda wish bobby hadnt been such an attention-seeking ass. If he was just gonna sit there, he may as well just not come. and frank was his lackey. So james has a new crush. woot.

Everyone had a great time, musta been one of the best. i love woodlin and i love the times we have. AWESOME DUDE.




except markus. he has a crush on kristin. and needs to go away. ugh.

He asked me and liyah - "How do i get a girl to dance with me?"

and liyah says - "Well, i think the first step is asking them. And if they say no, lead them on to the dance floor anyway."

it was funnayyyyyyy.

so i need to wrap this up. love to all you out there. awesome night.
The sleepover will be even better. peace.

Count your tips and lock the door.

Posted on Sat.August.05 at 8:56 pm
Current Mood: amusedamused with rachel.
Current Music: Time wont make this better.
SO AM I STILL WAITING FOR THIS WORLD TO STOP HATING.

CANT FIND A GOOD REASON FOR THIS WORLD TO BELIEVE.

yay.

So today was swimming championships. I beat every single one of my times. Two - thirds of them by over 3 seconds. and then after champs, back to woodlin where i fell madly in love with ray. :-D. damn cool kid.

I ripped your heart like i was the predator.

so yea. sam and i. = . together for one month and one day. i love her. and i love it. YAY.

so i have things to do. love mucho.

Every day, i get a little bit closer to you.

Posted on Fri.August.04 at 9:52 pm
Current Mood: lovedin love. <3
Current Music: Bad Day - Daniel Powter
One month. I cant believe it. i love her. way to be. *heart*


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