?

Log in

December 2006   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Fuck socialization.

Posted on Wed.December.06 at 9:02 pm
Current Mood: enragedenraged
Current Music: Teenage Dirtbag.
So im pretty lonely. completely lonely. im going to be emo for a couple of minutes. i have zero friends. completely no friends. thats all i have. nobodys here for me. and i just feel alone. everyone has someone else. and i just feel like crap. i dont feel like i really care about anyone. like i could just ditch everyone right now, and i wouldnt feel bad or miss anyone. and its just sad and crazy. all boys are such assholes. and i cant hang out with all girls because then im classified as "gay." and i just dont belong hanging out with a lot of guys. they just piss me the fuck off. and it just doesnt work. im like in the middle. a "gay" boy or a girl with a penis. ?. thats what i thought. theres just no one. and i talk like a girl, not like with the tone of a girl, just the way i phrase things i guess? and the fact that im so emotional. i might as well be a fucking girl. gah. and people just dont get me or anything.
New paragraph or else it'll just be one big blob. and this all came to my attention today, really. atosa stated to me that she hated it when people called me gay and crap, because people apparently do it a lot more than i thought they did behind my back. and she said that even if i was gay that it was my own deal and that no one should give a shit. and she said even in middle school she got fed up with it. and it really surprised me at her bluntness about it, and that people actually fucking did it. and it really just kills me. and its like ripping my heart out and stomping on it, and then chopping it up with an axe when people dont accept others. and no matter what sexuality i am, i literally am ripped apart inside when people are excluded or crap like that and i just cant take it. i cant take people anymore. i cant STAND them. and i cant just tell myself im better than them because that doesnt get me by. and i can just hear Kristin saying "what are you going to do about it?" you know? like, its the way it fucking is and i really cant control what people do or say about it. and people are just totally unfuckingcalled for. and its just stupid. and i know a bunch of people are like, "YEA!", you know? like in comments on myspace or livejournal or whatever, "I agree Brian!" but you know what? it has to be all or nothing. if you're not willing to say this shit ON YOUR FUCKING OWN without just agreeing with someone else and cheering them fucking on then you dont deserve to be thought of as "support." because its not fucking cool to just look on and just go with the person who you think is right. i dont give a shit if you're "shy" or dont speak your opinions a lot, if you're going to say something, or approve of something, you better do it on your fucking own and not just agree with what someone else said. gah. people are just so fucking stupid. there are no words to describe my feelings right now. the amount of people is just so huge and the feelings of resentment to some people is so large that its just uncontrollable to me. you know? my mind just cant handle all the fucking horrible things people say and do without considering how it effects other people. it KILLS me. and people who are unemotional and not understanding, and it just gets to me. i cant stand people. i want to commit suicide. i never would. but i just cant stand being in this fucking world with all these fucked up people. and i think what really started this emotion was "To Kill a Mockingbird." and the lack of a good trial for Tob Robison. and i cant even get started because it just fucking kills me. and i cant fucking even think about it because i am so fucking filled with anger its not even funny. i cant deal with it. i have no idea how i can express my feelings on this matter without totally blowing up.
and you know what? this is NOT an opinionated subject. i refuse to believe that. there is only one fucking answer and that is MINE. and i honestly refuse to listen to any other side that doesnt agree with mine. because its fucking shit and i realize that arrogance and stubborness on my part, but there is no fucking correct moral reason that i could possibly consider for excluding a person and making them feel like shit for any reason at all. theres just no fucking correct view on that, and i will not fucking compromise.

Open your fucking eyes people.

Previous Entry  Next Entry