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I never thought I'd be the one breaking down.

Posted on Thu.December.14 at 8:28 pm
Current Mood: exanimateblubby
Current Music: If I'm only here to watch you suffer, I will let you down.
So this week's just been extremely tiring. Every single day felt like friday and i just want it to effing END. jeezums.

This whole social studies project is finally fucking over. so now all we have is this fucking huge unit test on the entire civilizations of Greece and Rome. The fucking day before fucking vacation. jesus. i hate tests. its just so much fucking information. Maybe ill take regents next year instead of honors. jeezus.

so i totally made up my schedule for next year. i have 10 blocks.

Block of Social Studies. 3r.
Block of Math. 3r.
Block of English. 3h.
Block of Science. Bio h.
Mod of Science. Bio h.
Mod of Gym.
Block of Lunch.
Block of an Art Elective. Maybe Painting/Photography.
Block of Spanish. 3r.
Block of Latin. 1/2 Accelerated.
Mod of Child Psych 2.
Mod of Beginning Foods.

Bingobango. 10 blocks. and ill be completely pissed off if my schedule "doesn't work." like poor rachel. she has i think an average of 9 and 1/2 study halls a week. and i have 2. imagine what you could do with 7 1/2 more study halls. my god.

SURVIVOR FINALE on sunday. im extremely excited.

im so happy for christmas. anyone realize we have ELEVEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. how amazingly exciting.

Rachel and i are doing the nasty.

together.

right now.

CRAZY

LETS DO SOMETHING MAYBE.

you got me.





right where you want me.

Fuck socialization.

Posted on Wed.December.06 at 9:02 pm
Current Mood: enragedenraged
Current Music: Teenage Dirtbag.
So im pretty lonely. completely lonely. im going to be emo for a couple of minutes. i have zero friends. completely no friends. thats all i have. nobodys here for me. and i just feel alone. everyone has someone else. and i just feel like crap. i dont feel like i really care about anyone. like i could just ditch everyone right now, and i wouldnt feel bad or miss anyone. and its just sad and crazy. all boys are such assholes. and i cant hang out with all girls because then im classified as "gay." and i just dont belong hanging out with a lot of guys. they just piss me the fuck off. and it just doesnt work. im like in the middle. a "gay" boy or a girl with a penis. ?. thats what i thought. theres just no one. and i talk like a girl, not like with the tone of a girl, just the way i phrase things i guess? and the fact that im so emotional. i might as well be a fucking girl. gah. and people just dont get me or anything.
New paragraph or else it'll just be one big blob. and this all came to my attention today, really. atosa stated to me that she hated it when people called me gay and crap, because people apparently do it a lot more than i thought they did behind my back. and she said that even if i was gay that it was my own deal and that no one should give a shit. and she said even in middle school she got fed up with it. and it really surprised me at her bluntness about it, and that people actually fucking did it. and it really just kills me. and its like ripping my heart out and stomping on it, and then chopping it up with an axe when people dont accept others. and no matter what sexuality i am, i literally am ripped apart inside when people are excluded or crap like that and i just cant take it. i cant take people anymore. i cant STAND them. and i cant just tell myself im better than them because that doesnt get me by. and i can just hear Kristin saying "what are you going to do about it?" you know? like, its the way it fucking is and i really cant control what people do or say about it. and people are just totally unfuckingcalled for. and its just stupid. and i know a bunch of people are like, "YEA!", you know? like in comments on myspace or livejournal or whatever, "I agree Brian!" but you know what? it has to be all or nothing. if you're not willing to say this shit ON YOUR FUCKING OWN without just agreeing with someone else and cheering them fucking on then you dont deserve to be thought of as "support." because its not fucking cool to just look on and just go with the person who you think is right. i dont give a shit if you're "shy" or dont speak your opinions a lot, if you're going to say something, or approve of something, you better do it on your fucking own and not just agree with what someone else said. gah. people are just so fucking stupid. there are no words to describe my feelings right now. the amount of people is just so huge and the feelings of resentment to some people is so large that its just uncontrollable to me. you know? my mind just cant handle all the fucking horrible things people say and do without considering how it effects other people. it KILLS me. and people who are unemotional and not understanding, and it just gets to me. i cant stand people. i want to commit suicide. i never would. but i just cant stand being in this fucking world with all these fucked up people. and i think what really started this emotion was "To Kill a Mockingbird." and the lack of a good trial for Tob Robison. and i cant even get started because it just fucking kills me. and i cant fucking even think about it because i am so fucking filled with anger its not even funny. i cant deal with it. i have no idea how i can express my feelings on this matter without totally blowing up.
and you know what? this is NOT an opinionated subject. i refuse to believe that. there is only one fucking answer and that is MINE. and i honestly refuse to listen to any other side that doesnt agree with mine. because its fucking shit and i realize that arrogance and stubborness on my part, but there is no fucking correct moral reason that i could possibly consider for excluding a person and making them feel like shit for any reason at all. theres just no fucking correct view on that, and i will not fucking compromise.

Open your fucking eyes people.

Cause life's like this.

Posted on Sun.December.03 at 8:19 pm
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: I found out today, everything is not okay.
I'm in love with Rachel.
Shes my bestest friend.
And i would literally die without her.
And were amazing together
And come up with crazy ideas together.
And we just have great chemistry.
I'm glad we found eachother.

so much.

Yesterday was awesome. Today was nice :-). Both involving Rachel. yesterdayyyy, i went out to dinner with her family and their friends. and her mother made me sad. and i got all emo and i wanted to die. it was sad. but i was overreacting and it was just stupid. her mother doesnt really love me. its okay.

and today i hung out there for a bit. we watched Harry Potter and snowboarded and played Uno and ate candy and were dorks. amazing dorks.

My nails are so disgusting. Like, they make me angry to look at. i find it completely stupid and immature. and i think its depressing that I bite my nails so much. Im just a nervous person and i need some way of expressing it without going insane. they bleed so effing much. the same with my toenails. like, every weekend, i sit down, pull out a nail clipper and just rip them to shreads. usually i do it when im really nervous. gah. my big toe gets infected so much because i just tear it apart. i wish i could stop. maybe that'll be on my christmas list to god. But my ocd is getting better and i've stopped seeing the psychologist. and im going to stop the medication soon. sigh. im kind of relieved.

i think i might become a psychiatrist when i grow up. there are so few of them that they get paid really well. and i guess that its just a psychologist who can perscribe medication. someone correct me if im wrong please. i dont know, i just think it might be a nice way of making money.

i was thinking a lot about marriage and shit today. rachel's comment about it really triggered it. i really dont need to be married at all. i could be perfectly happy alone, not even in a relationship, down in the city having fun and shiatt. and i think id rather do that until im like 30, having fun and crap rather then focusing on having a family. you know? it'd be a lot more fun then worrying about kids and marriage and shit. and i always looked at my older sister, whos turning 30 soon and in no relationship, and i was like HEATHER YOU'RE LOOSING TIME. and shes really not, you know? i guess id rather find the right person later on in life then get in a stupid relationship because i thought i needed it. and then really, why spend money on marriage when its really nothing different then being together without being married? rachel said that. and i never really thought about it. i dont know, it cant be much different. and having kids while not married, i think is easier than if you were married and had kids. its just so much legally easy anyway. i dont know, just thinking and shit.

what an amazing entry.

LOVE.

Life's not going too great.

Posted on Thu.November.30 at 9:14 pm
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: NONE.
Things arent as great as i wish they were.

ive just been really short with people lately and flipping out a lot. I was really pissed off at lunch for no reason, and kristy put her hand on my arm and i flipped fucking out. GAH. i hate being touched. so much. it freaks the shit out of me. i hate people touching me. especcially when im angry. it totally just breaks me down. and im not being overexaggerative like i know some people are about this kind of shit and i wish there was a way to prove that, but i cant. so people will just have to take my word for it. and if i DO get that way, i usually attempt to leave, therefore, depriving myself of attention. im sorry to those i hurt.

school academically is going allright. like a B+ overall probably. or an A- and im okay with that. im not looking forward to anything after this weekend for a while. I like looking forward to things. GAH.

im so boring. and i hate my life. and i think. that if i had the choice to die somehow. i would choose suicide. or a car crash. or falling out of a tree or something. something quick and painless. almost. at least very close. because pain is scary. my mom once told my doctor that i had a pain tolerance of about a half out of 10. and i was likeeeeeeeee jesus. way to make me think im weak.

So ive felt really fat lately and ive been trying to eat less. or just eat less stupid stuff. so all i eat is lunch and maybe a little dinner. im doing okay with it. im just obsessing myself over rachel or school or reading to keep my mind off of it and its been working. except im so exhausted all the time now. and its because of that damn podcast keith and the girl. in fact, im done with it. i dont enjoy it and therefore, im just going to delete them all. which surprises myself because i downloaded 400 of them on an OCD whim. k. i just did it. they're gone. and im still pretty tired.

i think that im going to try pot eventually. eventually. not soon probably. maybe. you never know. i think that everyone should probably try it. im curious. you know? i dont think anyone can do anything about their curiousity. it literally takes over people.

my throat hurts really bad. and its been like this since yesterday. i cant really swallow without it hurting.

what an uplifting entry.

No, there isn't anything worth waiting for, living for or dying for.

Posted on Mon.November.27 at 8:51 pm
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Barenaked Ladies.
Hey all.

I've been reading like, obsessively lately. its so crazy. god. ive got so many books lined up and ive read so many jesus. i need a life. an exciting one. so highschools pretty terrifying. i just sorta decided. and i dont think i like it anymore. just from the fact that i hate feeling like im being judged at all times. and it scares me i guess.

i think i might like rachel. maybe? im not like making it official or anything. and im probably wrong. nah, i am. but it was a thought. hmm.

I HATE THIS NEW INTERNET I JUST DOWNLOADED. GAH. IM GOING TO TRY AND UNDO IT

ILOVEYOU.

BYE.


I LOVE YOU RACHEL.

Posted on Wed.November.22 at 9:44 pm
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: BOOBS ON FIRE!
Rachel is literally my best friend.

i would die without her.

completely serious.

she takes off all this stress off of me, and we completely just kill eachother. were perfect. shes perfect.

shes amazing.

I LOVE YOU RACHEL.

you're my favorite person alive.

on this earth.

forever and always.

rachie is amazing.


forever.

I LOVE YOU RACHEL!

I have a girlfriend and she is so blue.

Posted on Tue.November.21 at 5:59 pm
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: Beep your horn if you hear us.
so thanksgiving is coming up soon.

im hanging out with frank and sam and justina and james and their families. were going up to lake george. gah. im really worried about the amount of awkwardness between us. its just stupid.

ive been reading SO MUCH lately. and its really cool. i started a book around 5 yesterday and finished it around 10 30. twas Speak by Laurie Anderson. it was a good book. i guess. i dont know. i think it was easy to relate to and i like that. and now im reading the mugglecast book that was released off of mugglenet about whats going to happen in the 7th harry potter book. which i have to finish by 5 oclock tomorrow. but im a third of the way through already. so im set.

i tried vadka today. tonya brought some in for some reason or another. it wasnt like a huge gulp or anything. maybe a medium sized sip. larger than a sip. less than a gulp. it burned like shit. my mouth felt on fire. the smell was one of the worst smells ive ever smelt in my entire life. gah. it was pink. i dont know if it was mixed with anything or not. i dont know. whatever. so yea, i tried it for the first time. and i guess a lot of people have already tried it. i felt proud until i found out i was the only one who hadnt :-).

oh well.

it was sexual.

HE WAS HOOKING UP A CAR IN HIS DADDYS GARAGE.

he makes a comment on going to my room

but i'd rather stay out with his car that goes boom.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

what an exciting entry.




pssh. not.


LOVE.

i wonder if hearts work in livejournal.


www.lost.eu/6955

Posted on Sat.November.18 at 4:10 pm
would you please do this for me?

www.lost.eu/6955

it literally takes 30 seconds.

Please?

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I love you <33333

anyone at all.

PLEASE just register for me.

if your interested, please continue with it.

but could you could register on that specific link for me :-)

www.lost.eu/6955

Trashed my own house party because nobody came.

Posted on Fri.November.17 at 9:36 pm
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: If i could, then i would.
Rachel is my best friend forever. completely. and totally.

forever.

today, rachel and i went to see the movie Happy Feet, really just for the FIRST HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX MOVIE PREVIEW. ahem. it was cool :-) Rachel freaked like fuck. haa. then her parents, rachel and i went to the red robin for sex. and then we went back to her house and watched our favorite FUCKING SHOWS. it was awesome. and now im completely exhausted. like seriously, i've never been this tired in my life. ever.

today was a really good day. i had a block of just sitting in the library reading and shit. i got a lot of books on paranormal crap and psychology. also some suspense and other shiattt. and i met Lasher for the first time, she is the sweetest thing to ever walk this earth. shes so amazing and i cant believe i havent met her til now. it was a really nice thing to end the school day with. and i now have a lot of reading to look forward to. YAY. love. i love books.

i hate not being able to express my emotions.

i feel my lack of a love life.

burning away my insides.

You're already used to laughing at me.

Posted on Wed.November.15 at 8:56 pm
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Jesse McCartney.
Excellent time for live journal updating.

I just spent an hour and a half starting and finishing my social studies essay. i feel really accomplished.

almost everyone knows the words to whats left of me. if i stated.

"im half the man I thought I would be."

everyone knows thats him.

"tell me its not all in my head."

bingo. bango.

just thought id bring it up :-)

BUT YOU CAN HAVE
ALL THATS LEFT OF ME!

nick lachey is hot. bottom line. jessicas a slut. im glad they broke up. he was too good for her anyway.

so everyone at highschool like. already has this impression of me. the whole school. i went into the library with lila and liz and this bunch of seniors started whispering and laughing at me. thats why i hate the library. because it isnt necessarily really big. and anyone can goooo. and i just feel really alone if i dont go with someone. i think that'll be my goal. to go alone one time and just handle the social awkwardness of not being with anyone to save my ass. yup. thats what ill do. GAH. but i really do hate people who do that. and i was likeeeee. GAH. it pissed me off to no extent. and i was just like. what the fuck assholes. go do something to someone who actually knows who you are. thanks.

assholes.

GAH. NOW IM ANGRY.

fuck.

GO ON GO ON YOUR CRUEL INTENTIONS WONT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

those are the times you need love.

*yawn*

im glad i got the essay done. its due friday so now i can breath tomorrow.

i miss kristin. i shall tell her. KRISTIN I MISS YOU.

good. now i feel good.

i got a book from the library. its called "Chocolate and Blood." The title enough made me want to read it so much. its about werewolves, which im amazingly obsessed with. i think they're fascinating. im really excited about reading it :-D i love libraries. they're full of opportunities.

like several things arent.

like not being straight.

and not having any choice when choosing people for relationships.

because you cant show anything to anyone.

and like having to keep things secret from everyone.

like not having a romantic life because people wont allow you.

like that.


I wanted to fly; so you gave me your wings.

Posted on Sat.November.11 at 12:57 pm
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: My father took me into the city; to see the marching band.
sigh.

so yesterday was a lot of fun. traveled to rachels house around 11 en el morning and stayed until 9 en el nighto. maggie joined us around halfway through. rachel and i watched sixteen candles and mean girls, and then maggie joined us for what's eating gilbert grape. which was a pretty damn sad movie. and then we went out for ice cream at stewarts. and ended the day with degrassi and south of nowhere. which were good episodes overall.

it was really great.

and now im sitting here listening to my chemical romance avoiding my homework. which isnt that bad. but i think ill get it over with soon.

poor roxy is tied to the tree outside. she likes it out there, but its still pretty sad.

my ocd has gotten a lot better with the pills and shit. im going off of them soon and i think im going to tell the psychiatrist that im okay and that we should stop meeting. she suggested it last time anyway. and it costs a lot of money, and i think im okay now.

so i have this humungo crush on someone. and they have no idea i exist. and its extremely depressing. and whenever i pass them in the hall im like GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH.

and they dont notice.

its sad.

*hea/rt*

OOOO-UI!

Posted on Wed.November.08 at 6:29 pm
wow. i updated exactly a week ago.
thats a long time
im sorry for the wait my lovelies.

so i was really depressed last time and wanted to die.
it was pretty sad.
and my emotions were just all over the place.
and it was extreme.

so rachel and i have this big thing planned out for friday.
the day we have off.
it includes pajamas and sixteen candles.
and popcorn.
and peanut :-D

so i officially dont like jeremy.
at all.
and im glad he doesnt read my livejournal.
otherwise i wouldnt say everything im going to.
he doesnt care about me at all.
and its sad.
he likes his other friends better.
which is fine.
but he DITCHES. me.
and its sad.
and i just dont like him anymore.
sigh.

GOOD THING I HAVE RACHEL.
whom i love.

so heres my conversation of the day.

RACHEL: "Kayleigh's been having premonitions in her dreams, saying that the first time i have sex i'm going to get pregnant."

BRIAN: "Well, then everytime you have sex, wear a condom."

RACHEL: "Can girls wear condoms?"

BRIAN: "I dont know. Just make sure the guy is wearing a condom?"

RACHEL: "Well, what if its a girl?"

And it took us a while after that to realize that if she was having sex with a girl, no one would have to worry about getting pregnant.

ha. i laughed so hard because it hit us both at the same exact time.

i love rachel.

shes my bestest friend.

and i am her kitty.

forever and always <#

Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

Posted on Wed.November.01 at 7:38 pm
Current Mood: infuriatedhateful
Current Music: My heart pounding.
goddam it i hate the world.

im going on an all out no food diet. no food whatsoever. none. none. none. none. none. none. none. none. none. none. at all.

halloween wasnt great. ill be honest. okay. it wasnt good either. nor okay. nor slightly amusing. but thats okay. i dont want to talk about it.

the worlds going to hell. i hate this mother fucking world and i want to die. die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die.

and i hate my family. and i hate my friends. and i hate my life.

except rachel.

GAH! EVERYONE GO DIE SO I CAN GO DIE AND I CAN DIE AND DIE.

jesus.

i wish i was a werewolf.

Happy Halloween.

Posted on Mon.October.30 at 4:28 pm
Current Mood: lovedi love rachel.
Current Music: Hey Baby -- No Doubt
first off. i love rachel. and i love ebay. both combined is like. woah. how amazing.

TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN. i think i just totally spelled tomorrow wrong. tommorrow tomorrow omg okay i have no idea. someone tell me. thank you.

anywho.

YAY. so tomorrow is halloween and im going to rachels right after school and were watching Sixteen Candles and The Nightmare Before Christmas. neither of which i have seen. so im really excited. and then were going to listen to mugglecast. and then were going to die of eating candy. gah. im SO excited. rachel and i are going to blast our pants off. YAY FOR THE LACK OF PENISES. were going to have so much fucking fun.

YAY. im happy. rachel makes me so happy. rachel. i love you.

kristin. mugglecast is a podcast you can download off of itunes :-) if you werent a harry potter fan i wouldnt tell you because people who download it and arent 100% into harry potter are stupid. but its really cool and i love it and its obsessive. WOOT.

ew. i have to go to the orthodontist soon because i need a new retainer. i stepped on the old one in the dark :-D. and its glow in the dark. go figure.

im so happy i met rachel. shes my lover. YAYYYYYYYYY

out.

I'll go crazy if I can't get next to you.

Posted on Wed.October.25 at 8:58 pm
Current Music: Bouncing off the Ceiling - Ateens
god im tired.

i went to rachels house with mandy right after school. and we had fun with pizza and cereal and strawberries and harry potter and emma watson and apparation and april 15th and rupert grint and march 1st and google and and porn and it was great. after that, there was a chorus concert that we attended, it was okay. not amazing. just okay. the other one was okay. after that, me and rachel got ice cream. and it was fun.

im really tired.

mrs. filiberto is crazy. she expects so much crap and shit on TODAY we had this huge fucking test with an essay that took the whole 80 fucking minutes which is OF COURSE enough social studies for the day, but no. we then have this huge fucking assignment that requires multiple objects, including a dictionary, colored pencils, our very heavy book, a pencil, the packet, and our brains. god. and a LOT of brainpower. shes effing crazy.

so im listening to mugglecast right now. and i really really really love it. they're talking about love and the Ministry of Magic. i love them.


YAY FOR MUGGLECAST.


You've got an awfully long way to go.

Posted on Sun.October.22 at 9:02 pm
Current Mood: impressedimpressed
Current Music: LARRRRRR LARRRRRRR LAR LARRRRRRRR
so i just got a video ipod. yea, i had to pay for it, but it was totally worth it. and i guess my computer got all these shitty viruses from illegal music downloading programs but i downloaded limewire on only my screen so my mom doesnt know. sigh. and there arent any viruses. so there. and im getting videos and shit. its really cool. i love it :-D

i love rachel.

so my new obsession is darfur. im buying a shirt and i shall wear it frequently. its so depressing and i hate it. i want them all to die. in hell. Sudan as a whole should rot in hell.

so rachels basically my life. shes the only one i can rely on. no one else is truly there. except maybe mandy :-). who is in the threesome containing myself and rachel. gah. shes like my life. and she'll always be my best friend. I LOVE RACHEL. shes awesome. love. *heart* and i never want to be around anyone except her.

i love rachel.

sara.

cole.

*thank you kristin*

Posted on Fri.October.20 at 3:32 pm
so im totally totally TOTALLY copying kristin and if she has a problem with it, she should please let me know.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.


it was really good :-D

They say I was running butt naked down the street screaming "AH AH AH AH!"

Posted on Sun.October.15 at 8:14 pm
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: S Club 7 - Show Me Your Colors
my head hurts. i just did an entire powerpoint presentation for my group and a 5 page packet worksheet for the class because my workmates gave me the information without my knowledge that they wouldnt be able to do their parts of the powerpoint and then they would use that excuse later.

growl. fuck them.

im really really really really lonely right now. rachel seems really mad at me and i just dont feel like i have many friends at all. i just feel like i need someone. i want to go out with someone. sigh. i know it. i need attention. but its just sad. its really pathetic how much i rely on others for social attention. i wish i didnt, but i do. and im afraid i push people away when i dont get attention. because i do. i get all lonely and i want to be away from everyone and when im like it, im really emotional and very very little things can send me off on a tantrum inside. and then people get frusterated with me and then i get sad because i think they hate me, and to me they do. and its just really really really hard to live like this. i need someone :-(. and then when i get themmmmmmmm im like. fuck you. im afraid of commitment blah blah blah. i confuse myself.

Yesterday was homecoming at the highschool. its a pretty good example of how i needed someone. everyone had someone and i just felt alone. it was sad. overall there wasnt much dancing. mandy felt all insecure and looked really lonely so i was with her instead of dancing, which was okay with me. shes a really good person. eventually i coaxed her to get out there with me and it was fun. i think the relationship i have with girls is really complicated. because i think of them as really good friends and my flirty personality gets them going, and then im afraid of it being awkward and then it really gets awkward. and its just sad. gahh. even on tv. i just watched Neds Declassified on Nickelodeon and it ended with ned and his crush walking down the hall holding hands. GAH. it rips me apart inside. and i just want to cry in a corner and die. i hate the world :-(. sigh. at the end of the dance, i actually saw liyah which was really really REALLY amazing because i havent seen her in so long. so we had a moment. i guess she had to clean up the place after we left for some reason. i dont know. i was happy i saw her.

i got 2 new pants and a new sweatshirt today. i will be wearing a new outfit tomorrow, it shall be very exciting.

peace out.

Support Gays and Lesbians.

Posted on Thu.October.12 at 7:30 pm
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Guilty - Gravity Kills
I've been pretty tired lately. It's not a good thing. I plan on getting a lot of sleep tonight. actually thats a lie. there are several shows i need to watch before I go to sleep. including survivor and the real world/road rules. woot. i do love those reality shows. because i have no life. how pathetic.

So schools going really good. the social life sucks though.

so i convinced the psychiatrist to tell my mom that i shouldnt join an all guys sports team because it was extremely stupid and i would not be happy with it. but then i felt terrible because we were like, over riding her. sigh. shes a nice person. i love her.

i need someone to love. thurrrrrrs no one. and i have no one romantically that society will allow me to attempt to get to know. that way. GRRRR. i hate the fucked up world. People need to keep the judgement away from the table. and let others do what they want to. its none of their fucking business so why should they care? like SERIOUSLY, its not their problem, it doesnt affect them, its not their feelings, therefore, why should people care? it really doesnt make any sense and it just pisses me off enough more thinking about it. therefore, i shall ignore them and assume that their looking at someone else when they point and laugh.

So i went to visability on wednesday with rachel. the senior talking about it was a lesbian and others were gay and bisexual. it was very relaxed and shit. maggie didnt go, but kayleigh and nicky did. but some of the kids are really stupid. but oh well. im "in" it. and i liked it, so im going back with rachel next time.

Tomorrows the Homecoming football game. it should be okay, not amazing, but im expecting it to be fun. and then saturday is the Homecoming dance, at which i'm going with Rachel. and we should also have fun there, too, though i am nervous. i dont like the formal situation, whats the point of going to a dance if its formal and shit? i dont get it and i think its stupid. i might wear nice pants, but i refuse to wear a white shirt. everyone can deal. And if rachels embarrassed, which i know she wont be, ill rip some persons white shirt off and wear it over mine. good.

okay, i have a headache.
peace out.

BIFBIFBIFBIFBIF!!

Posted on Fri.October.06 at 10:23 pm
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Hey Girl - Dashboard Confessional.
So today was really fun.

it was a half day of nothing special, then rachel + kaela came over toooo mi casa. we then went to target and office max to look for a headphone set/microphone and we found a good one. we then went back home and attempted to set it up for a while. we couldnt. and then we went to brees house for a while and i carved a perty sweet pumpking. and we met the cutest puppy on the face of this earth. ever. EVER. EVER. she was a-fucking-dorable. we then saw dan gardiner on his scooter + walking his dog. it was cool. and then we traveled over to friendlys for dinner and we had sex with luke shields. after spending six dollars in quarters on the game with the hook and stuffed animals, we didnt win, we went to the Double M Ranch in Ballston Spa, which was pretty damn motherfucking amazing and i screamed at LEAST 20 times. it was really good. but we had to call my dad to come back because we didnt have enough money. we had 80 dollars to start with before dinner. its pretty pathetic. it was an amazing night full of amazing moments.

sigh. i like jeremy. its so depressing. i think its like rachels obsession with nick turner. my heart stops when i see him and i die when hes all over rachel. its very heart wrenching. and rachel IS all over nick turner. growl. but i actually asked him "jeremy, why arent you madly in love with me?" as a stupid little joke because it was awkwardly silent. and he answered with "society." which i thought was a pretty crummy answer because society has nothing to do with anything. maybe some. but definitely not all. and it angered and hurt me. sigh

rachel is my best friend forever. i dont care what anyone else says or does or if anyone new comes into my life, rachel will be my number one on myspace for the rest of my life. and we are going to the final together. and were amazing together. sigh.

LOVE RACHEL.

lovelove.

im really tired and i feel very happy that i updated.


Brian.


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